LGBTQ Message Board

Message Board

LGBTQ Message Board

Read the messages posted below or Ask an Anonymous Question  on our safe forum and we’ll respond to your question here in three business days.

WEAVE provides services throughout the greater Sacramento California region and referrals provided on the message boards represent this area only.  If you live outside of the Sacramento, California region, you may contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE(7233) or TTY at 1.800.787.3224 or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) for referrals in your community.

WEAVE’s expertise is in the areas of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and healthy relationships.  We make every effort to answer all questions – even beyond these areas – but we cannot answer questions which are medical, significantly beyond the scope of our services, or ask legal questions in jurisdictions outside of Sacramento County. 

Standard emails can be tracked, even after they are deleted. Because of difficulties verifying the sender and ensuring client safety, WEAVE can not respond to message board posts which contain emails.

Questions Answers
I went swimming at a friend’s. Later in her bedroom she took some beach towels. She told me to take off my bikini. She said she wanted to give me a massage. I immediately thought how odd but at the same time how nice. She works as a gym fitness trainer. She told me get on my belly on some towels. She draped a towel over my waist. She gave me a massage. I was feeling emotional. I hadn’t been touched so lovingly in years. . . I felt ashamed at what I had made my friend do. What is wrong with me? Do you think it’s because I am am sexually afraid of my deepest desires? Is it my deep loneliness? I have always assumed myself as into guys but sometimes I do find myself aroused by girl-girl things. How do you suggest I apologize to my friend? I am having turmoil even just wondering what made me mistreat her. Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your concerns, we can imagine that this situation must have been really confusing for you, and we are sorry you are going through this. We recognize when it comes to issues of attraction and sexuality, things can be kind of confusing and we appreciate you reaching out for support. There is nothing wrong with you. Sexuality is a spectrum, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. When it comes to sexuality, there are no rules or restrictions. Whatever you are feeling or whomever you are attracted to, just know WEAVE supports you. It is ok to enjoy something because it feels good, and that doesn’t mean you have to align with any specific sexual identity. How we would recommend entering the conversation with your friend would be to be honest with her, and share how you are feeling. We are sure your friend cares about you and just wants you to be open in communicating with her. If you want some support, please call our 24/7 Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952. This is a safe-space and a no-judgement zone, we are here to help you. 

My domestic partner for over 8.5 years has physically and verbally abused me through out our relationship. I have pictures, audio, dates of his abuse which I never got rid of. Finally, I got him to move into his own place. 
I travel for work on a regular basis, so he used the entire month to take my entire home and belongings while I have been gone. On June 3rd, he came to my home while taking more items, he punched my face, breaking my nose and causing a massive discharge of blood. I finally called 911, he fled after seeing the blood and hearing the dispatcher on the other end. I filed a protective order against him and went to court on the 20th. He did not show up and my order was granted by the judge. I just had corrective surgery on my nose and the pain was unbearable after and during recovery. I now have been told, I will need further reconstructive surgery on my nose. I have had to take off from work for court, surgery and now for additional surgery. I need to work as I live pay check to paycheck. My ex makes a very good living and I would like advice on what procedures, I need to sue him for lost wages, surgery, and distress. I am so worried about my car payment, rent, surgery costs, etc. I want this nightmare gone, but I also want to be financially stress free from it as well. Please help, any advice will do.

Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your questions, we are so empathetic to your situation and can only imagine how heartbreaking this violence has been for you. We want you to know that we are here to support you and help you in any way we can. We understand that financially you feel you are owed by him for the costs of your physical trauma, and we know of a great resource that may be of help to you. There is a program called “California Victim Compensation Program” for victims of violent crimes, who may be eligible for financial assistance and free counseling services. WEAVE provides assistance in understanding and submitting the required paperwork and responding to requests for additional information. If you would like more information on this program, please call our 24/7 Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952 and crisis counselors can provide you with more details. Also, in regards to your legal questions, we feel they would be best answered by one of our Legal Advocates. You may leave a message at 916.319.4944 with your name, a safe-identified phone number to return your call at, and your legal question and a legal advocate will return your call within two business days. 
Should I report to the police or to my school? Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question, we are sorry that you are going through this and we want to do everything we can to help you. Without more information about what you are wanting to report, it is hard for us to give you a clear answer, but we can assure you that whatever decision you make we will fully support you. If you have experienced something that was upsetting, traumatic, or out of your control, it is important that you feel what happens next is entirely in your control, and that whatever decision you make comes from you and only you. Reporting to your school or law enforcement would be helpful to you, but you can also do both if you would like. Please, know that you are not alone in this. We want to help you, and if you ever want to talk to someone about what you are going through or if you have more question, call our 24/7 Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952.
XXXXXXXXX 2016 my mother lost her job. We had to move. My mother moved to her man friend. I moved in with a school friend. The first 2 nights I slept on a couch. Her mother complained. She didn’t like my things in the living room. I moved to my friend’s bedroom. I was willing to sleep on the floor. Her mother said no. She didn’t want blankets and pillows on the floor. I started sleeping with my friend in her bed. The third night we were in bed my friend spooned me. At first I liked it. We hugged. I am not 100% innocent. I made my own choices to make this problem. I hugged her. I started it because I kissed her first. I was happy to have a place to live. It felt nice to be in bed with her, at least at first. She mistook my reasons. Each night she started this thing of hugging and kissing me. It was a night thing we did for each other. I didn’t want to make her angry. I could have probably easily stopped it at first but I didn’t speak my mind. I played along. I hugged and kissed her back. I had no other place to live. If she got her mad I’d have no place to go. She started stroking my hair and pulling off my shirt. She would rub my skin but not sexually yet. Later it became much more sexual. I was like a prisoner in her house. I do what she asks now because what else can I do? I turned 18 2 weeks ago. My only 2 goals are 1) survive. 2) graduate college so I don’t end up like my mother. I did check on joining the air force. I really don’t want to be in the military. Because there is no illegal crime (only hugging, kissing, and sex) and I really consented I’m not like a true crime victim either because I did agree. Or do you think it is a crime but I never have said no. I don’t know. I just know she is very loving and generous to me but I am the evil one for being deceptive to her. It just keeps going on almost daily in different ways. Even if its sometimes very pleasurable in some ways its still making me feel dead inside. Some days I just get us to orgasms if she wants sex fast so I can get it over. She is very loving and sweet to me. She has never physically fought me or even said a curse word to me. Am I my own victim I did to myself? I don’t know what to call this situation I’m in because I did it to myself because I lie and don’t tell her honestly.  Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question, we are so sorry you are in this situation where you feel pressured to participate in activities that make you uncomfortable due to safety reasons. We cannot imagine how upsetting this must be for you and we want to do everything we can to help you. To answer your question in regards to if it is your fault, no it is not your fault. Sexual assault is not only rape; it is also any unwanted sexual activity. Even if you have said “yes” to sex with the person before, or you are in a relationship, no one has the right to have sex with you or pressure you into doing things you do not want to do. Any time you do not say “yes” to a sex act, it is sexual assault. You should not feel pressured to stay in a situation where you are doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, you do have options, and we want to help connect you with resources that may help you. If you would like to be connected with some resources, information about services we may be able to provide for you, or just someone to talk to, call our 24/7 Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952. We care, and we are here for you. 
Is it possible to be into girls in a romantic/cuddling/kissing way and into guys in a sexual way?

Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question, we recognize when it comes to issues of attraction and sexuality, things can be kind of confusing and we appreciate you reaching out for support. When it comes to sexuality, there are no rules or restrictions. Not only is it possible, it is normal to be attracted to people of both genders. Whatever you are feeling or whomever you are attracted to, just know WEAVE supports you. If you are having questions about your sexuality or romantic interests, it is important to have a support system or someone you feel you can talk to about this that you trust. If you would like someone to talk to about these feelings you are having, a great resource is the LGBT National Hotline at 1.888.843.4464 or if you are located in Sacramento, CA, the LGBT Center in Midtown Sacramento at 916.442.0185. 

The police asked if I wanted an order of protection. I asked how long it would be for. They said 24-48 hours and 30 days at the most depending on what the judge said. They misled me into believing it would be s of protection. My wife was slapped with a 6 month order of protection against her. I am disabled and cant keep this house operational for 6 months by my self. I have epilepsy and need her here. We had one argument where she punched me and now I am loosing my home because I can’t afford it by myself. I feel the police are homophobes and this is just one more time they are trying to force us out. Please help. We never cause any issues. You would think the town would appreciate good neighbors. I don’t drink or do drugs but they always try to get me for something. I feel they have won. Sad. Thank you so much for contacting WEAVE with your concerns, we are so sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you were put in a very upsetting situation where the police were not understanding you and that can be frustrating.  We would love to help you in any way we can, and we feel you might benefit from some legal advice from any of our wonderful legal advocates here at WEAVE. The best way to contact the legal advocates would be at the WEAVE Legal voicemail, the number is 916-440-6797, and it takes roughly 24/48 hours during the regular business week for advocates to return your call.  Please be sure to tell them if it is safe to leave a message for you on the number you provide. If you have any other concerns, questions, or would like to get connected to resources within the community, feel free to call our 24/7 Support and Information Line at 916-920-2952. 
I contacted an LGBTQ organization for advice. They said you may help me. I’m a divorced mother with one child, a daughter. She is 20 years old. When my daughter was in 10th grade she told me she was bisexual. I didn’t think too much about it. I assumed teens are not sure. For most of my daughter’s high school years she kept her dating relationships with her friends mostly a secret from me. In twelfth grade she started bringing girlfriends home to spend the night. I could tell from the noise and muffled conversations she was having sex. I felt unsure how to step in without making my daughter feel ashamed but didn’t want parents to be angry if they didn’t accept their teen doing teen lesbian behavior. By her senior prom I realized I needed to talk more to my daughter about her sexual identity and behavior. I thought she had been dating a boy. She didn’t tell me until the night of the prom she was dating a girl. Both wore dresses and corsages to the prom. It shocked me to see the two together. I know this is a mother talking about her own daughter, but my daughter and her girlfriend looked absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. They looked exactly like high fashion models one sees on the covers of a magazine. I realized then I had stereotyped ideas of how females who love females dress and look. I figured as time went on my daughter would tell me more about her sexual identity but she really didn’t. After her high school graduation my daughter began college, and became especially close to these seven other girls, some she and I have known from her high school days. I can’t explain it in any other way than to say they behave like a pack. They are almost always together as a group. They engage in open group sex and it terrifies me. It was just too much for me. I feel like my life is being taken over worrying about these girls. Do you know of other families locally who are caught in the same situation I am in? I’d like to know how other local mothers are dealing with this new way of daughter sexuality. Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question. It sounds like you have concerns for your daughter safety as well as having challenges in setting boundaries in your’ home. You described some situations that happened in your home that we did not post. It may be a good idea to create boundaries for your home if she is living there. I encourage you to also find local LGBTQ organizations that may be able to provide you and or your daughter support. If you need support you are welcome to give us a call on our Support and Information Line at (916) 920-2952 or you can contact national LGBT Support Line at 1-800-246-pride or LGBT Center in Sacramento at (916) 442-0185. I entered below a safe place for support.

I have been in a committed relationship with a man for almost 2 years now, and we often talk about future children and getting married. Unfortunately the past few months i have been having dreams and even fantasizing about being with a woman again. I love my boyfriend but i cant help but miss A relationship with a man and one with a woman are very very different all together. I even see the gorgeous girls on my facebook and want to flirt with them so bad. I cant imagine leaving my boyfriend but i dont want to be unsatisfied and unfulfilled for the rest of my life… i am so confused… i cant talk to my boyfriend about it, it will break his heart.

Thank you for reaching out to us for information and support. Experiencing attractions and feelings towards both genders is normal. If it is safe to do so I encourage you to talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to be honest and work through things even if it is to leave the relationship.  You can also reach out to the national LGBT Support Line at 1-800-246-pride or LGBT Center in Sacramento at (916) 442-0185 or the national LGBTQ # 1 (888) 843-4564. I also encourage you to talk to a counselor to help you process the feelings you are going through.

My domestic partner decided to sell our home. I was totally against it concerned about being left behind with no place to live. He reassured me over and over that we would remain together that we would search for a new place and that he would return from working out of town to help me move when we found a new place. So I hesitantly agreed and signed the papers. None of his promises were kept and now I have no place to live. When I contact him he does not answer over and over to no end. When he does answer he belittles me as to why I am not looking for a place to live. He makes me feel that I am the one doing wrong even though he seems to not even care about me living on the street. I am lost and confused . Are there any legal recourse or of any kind I can take against him?

Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question! I am sorry you are now facing homelessness. My main concern is your safety, depending on your location there are different agencies that may be able to help you get off the streets until you find a more permanent place. Unfortunately WEAVE cannot answer any legal questions on our message boards however you do have options!! Please contact our 24 hour support and information line at (916) 920-2952 for information regarding housing options and legal services! You are not alone!

I came to Sacramento for work after receiving my BS degree. I don’t know a lot of people here. At the credit union where I work I became friends with a female coworker at the first branch where I was assigned. We have many similar interests. I call her my shining star girlfriend (“gf”). She has always really helped me. I play board games at my gf’s apartment usually one night a week. We started with six females. Now it is down to usually me, another female, and my gf playing. At our last board game night I was playing with only my gf there. Her hubby was constantly calling, interrupting our game. He works night shift. My gf mentioned he calls like that when it is slow at his work and he wants phone sex. When my gf’s phone rang again for the umpteenth time I lost control. I grabbed her phone. With a polite stern voice I said to her hubby,”Hold on cowboy. Tonight I’m riding your wife. When we get done with our fuck together you can get your turn in her saddle. Please don’t call us again until we say,” and hung up. He stopped calling. Later he started texting our phones again: “Understood!” “That’s HOT!” “Do it!”"Is it fun?” My gf and I laughed thinking he thought we were having sex. Later the mood for me and my gf changed to serious. We talked about lesbianism. It seemed like the time in our friendship to talk about it. We told our sex fantasies for each other. If it wasn’t for her hubby’s approval and encouragement we would not have done what we did last week: we slept together. (cut for explicit content) When her husband came home he wanted a 3-way. Maybe another day. I didn’t want sex with him but said it to be nice and let him down gently. He went tyrant. He shouted at me. Called me a self-centered b***h. W***e slut. Wife carpet muncher. Many words to scare me. I couldn’t help it. I cried. Especially when he said he only let me do it with my gf because he was going to get sex from me too. I told him I don’t need to be insulted and disrespected. I went to my car and left.It’s been a week. Tonight’s our usual game night. I haven’t had a phone call, email, text, visit, or anything from my gf. It feels like she is ignoring me because of her hubby. I know she’s alive because I know she is still going to her C.U. branch and on her Facebook each day, but acting like I don’t exist. What do you suggest I do?


Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question. I am sorry you feel like you are being ignored by your girlfriend, and that you were disrespected by her hubby. If i understand your question correctly you want to know how to have your gf talk to you again? Relationships can be difficult at times, and each relationship is different. I would recommend that you either call our 24 hour support and information line at (9160 920-2952 to talk with an advocate or to call the GLBT National hotline at (888) 843-4564. Without more information or understanding your actual question it is difficult to piece together the full scenario and your question.

I’m 22, working and living apart from my parents in India. I find myself lonely and I keep on indulging in having gay meetings with strangers. I feel very guilty because of it. I don’t know what to do to help my gay feelings!! Why did it happen to me? Why can’t I be straight! Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question. As you may have seen on our website WEAVE is located in California, so the laws and culture around being gay is very different than how it is in India. Having feelings for someone of the same sex can be hard to handle on your own, especially if you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about them. I cannot tell you why you have these feelings, but it might be helpful to talk about them with someone who can support you! You can either call our 24 hour support and information line at (916) 920-2952 or the national LGBTQ # 1 (888) 843-4564. We are here to help, and you are not alone !!!    

when i was 16 one of my older sisters had her csus dorm roommate live at our home for the summer. my sister was away working at a camp that summer so i was left alone with this roommate a lot. sometimes this roommate of my sister would braid my hair or paint my nails. one day she asked me if i wanted a massage. she helped me take off my clothes, she braided my hair, and she applied massage oil on me. she had me rub oil on her. we had sex on a blanket on the carpet in my bedroom. i had never been in a lesbian situation but she hummed and sucked when she did oral sex on me, things i couldn’t do on myself. i can only describe it as something i never expected. i can only call it as exploding when i had orgasms with her. after she molested me i stayed in my bedroom and i masturbated alone for a couple of days trying to get the same feelings of sexual joy. i finally went to my sister’s roommate and told her i wanted her to eat me again. she said no. i said if she didn’t have sex with me i was going to tell my sister what we did already. we had sex and she ate me out and i had some more of the most intense orgasms i ever had in my life. it was something about her beauty and how her mouth, lips, and tongue sucked and vibrated as she touched me. for the rest of the summer i kept going to her and telling her she was going to have sex with me. it really was i was the one hurting her back. she cried, said she was sorry, and told me to stop being mean. i think i was paying her back for what she did to me. i really was mean to her because i was angry how she made me feel so sexually pumped. i am 18 1/2 now in college and while i prefer guys i find i am always fantasizing about using females for just sex and the summer when i molested my sister’s roommate. i still find myself going over in my head the things we did together. because i was a perpetrator as well as a victim, how do you recommend i forget the memories? it bothers me how the best sex in my life was with a female who started out to hurt me and then i did it back to her.

Thank you for contacting WEAVE with your question. It can be very hard trying to “forget memories”, and confusing when it involves individuals of the same gender. Have you tried talking about these memories with anyone? Such as a national talk line, lgbtq line, a counselor, a friend, etc?. You mentioned how you are now in college, at most universities there are counseling centers as well as LGBTQ centers, even though you may not identify as a LGBTQ individual it may benefit to talk to someone who’s had similar experiences or can empathize with your situation. Our 24 hour support and information line is here to talk as well!! (916) 920-2952.

have a college classmate who works at a R.C. strip club. . . 

It is understandable that you are still impacted by the trauma  you experienced as child and young adult. When you need support, you can call WEAVE’s 24/7 Support Line at 916.920.2952. They can provide you with more information about free sexual assault counseling and other supportive resources.

I have a friend who is bi and also feels that he is m2f transgender. However, he and his entire family are very Christian and he believes that if he indulges in these feelings, he’ll be condemned to hell after death. All I want for him is for him to be happy. Any suggestions on what I can do to help?

What a wonderful friend they have in you!! The LGBT Community Center in Sacramento is incredible space. Check out their website for more information about programs and events.

If there your friend is seeking further emotional support or has any needs pertaining to domestic or sexual violence, we have a 24 hour support line: 916-920-2952 and can provide more information about our services (we do offer community counseling on a sliding scale).

Let me start by saying that I’m not typically sexually attracted to guys. (message edited due to content) . I just don’t know what to do.

Experiencing attractions and feelings towards both genders is completely normal. Your confusion is also normal. You may want to consider talking to a trusted friend or adult if the attraction is creating anxiety. You can also reach out to the national LGBT Support Line at 1-800-246-pride or LGBT Center in Sacramento at (916) 442-0185.  You also indicated a desire to engage sexually with a friend who was asleep or while they were intoxicated. This is not ok. If your friend is not a consenting partner, your actions would be sexual assault. Any relationship you would choose to pursue with any gender should be consensual.

So I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 boys. I am just so done with his bs. He is not the same from when we first got together. Out of the past 12 year about 7 of those years he has been high on something. I have gave him so many chances to clean up but there is always an excuse. The cops have been to my place but 2different times and didnt do anything. The first time it took them four hours to come to my place because I had left to a safe place until it was 10 at night and my kids need to go to bed. So I went home and just let it go. I had no proof of him smacking me in my face because he didnt do it that hard. The next time they came out was because a neighboor called on us at 1 in the morning. I had already taken my kids to sister who lives next door so they didnt do anything then either. I have always been the one to hold a job and provide for the family and he keeps doing the same thing. He keeps getting high and verbally abusing me and numbing us out. He’s never physically beat me but has put his hands on me. I have told him to leave but he always returns right back.He wont find a job and five months ago I got diagnosed with cancer. So now I am stuck with no place to go no because I dont make that much. No car and trying to stay close to my job for when I do go back. I am worried about being able to get my kids to school because my neighbor has been taking care of it. We are both on the lease agreement and will get very enraged if I start the whole restraining order process. I already have a bunch of holes in the house. All I want is for him to let me live my life and leave. Where do I start?

Thank you for reaching out to us for information and support. I am sorry that you are in this situation and want you to know that you are not alone. WEAVE provides many services, including counseling, legal, and safe emergency shelter. To find out more about these services please call our 24 hour support and information line at 916-920-2952. A support line advocate can provide you with information specific to your needs, as well as provide additional resources and emotional support. 

My two children and I followed my ex to the east coast with a verbal agreement of how things would work. Within a few months she changed all that and now, two years later I am ruined and the kids have suffered loss as well. We want to return to CA, Sacramento specifically. Is there any way we can leave without getting arrested? My ex has mental health issues that keep her from telling the truth, the lies and says it is OK, I had to take her to court to get her to pay child support. In PA we are not recognized as a couple so I lost spousal support which CA allowed. I believe the kids are in an unsafe place with her emotionally and safety wise. She frequently will not feed them dinner, does not have medication for them when they are sick. 
Can we return and ask the court for some sort of asylum? We are on food stamps and medicaid and she does not care. She refused to take the kids for insurance coverage because it costs too much. She is a rabbi and earns more than $80,000.00 We have been without community and work for two years. I am ready to return and fight to stay in Sacramento but I at least want to know I have a fighting chance.

Hello and thank you for your inquiry. Custody disputes are difficult because each parent has their version of events. You have to report these statements to the relevant child abuse prevention agency where you live in order to get intervention on behalf of the kids.  Please consult an attorney where you live to find out about state laws with regard to domestic violence and custody.  This is a complex issue because of the layers involved, one, for example being who is the custodial parent in the eyes of the law, etc. 

I have been beaten by my girlfriend for months. I started the restraining order process but didnt follow through because I wasn’t on the lease and would have to move if I did. So I decided to wait it out until I had enough money to move out.Today she turned a knife on my son so I called police. I felt victimized by the officer more than my abuser. I was told all the things a victim fears they will hear when they call…why do you stay? Just go to a shelter (which isnt an option because I have an 18 yr old son and 2 cats), She’s entitled to be here too…and so on. I will never call the police again. He shamed me. Maybe theyll listen when she finally puts me in the hospital or kills me.

I am sorry you experienced this when you were seeking help, safety, and support. Your concerns are valued and although you have an adult child and pets, there may still be some options for safety. It may be helpful to attend a free counseling traige session at our K Street center or call the 24 hour Support & Information Line at 916-920-2952. Triage is available on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11-1pm and Wednesdays from 4-7pm. An advocate can assist you with your primary needs and provide resources.

My girlfriend beat me and I have filed a restraining order against her, including a temporary move out order. The problem is, the lease is in her name so she has gone to the office to tell them she is abandoning the apt. They are going to start an eviction. I need to find an apt for my son and I but will need deposit assistance. I only have one paycheck saved and a little over a week to find a new place. Are there local funds available for that sort of thing?

Thank you for contacting us for support and information. WEAVE’s legal department is a great resource and they will be able to assist with understanding housing protections and laws. You can find out more about our legal services by calling our 24 hour Information and Support line at 916-920-2952. Another resource is the Victim Witness Program at the Sacramento District Attorney’s office if you are in Sacramento County at 916-874-5701. Sometimes they can assist with housing if qualified. Please feel free to contact us again if you need additional resources.  


I found out I’m bisexual a few months ago, but I’m scared to come out because I’m a Christian and I’m scared my family will judge me for it. I also think I have a crush on my friend but I don’t want to say anything because she’s straight and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Please help me.


Thanks for reaching out to WEAVE. That’s great that you are becoming more aware of your sexual identity! You do have some legit concerns about coming out to parents and friends. People who identify with being LGBT have many different ways and times when they feel that it its right to come out. There are many resources you can check into to get support around this. You can call our support line and explore many different things in relation to your identity at 916 920- 2952. The Gender Health Center offers low cost counseling at 916- 455-2391. Legally, a counselor cannot out you to your parents if you go there. Also, L.Y.R.I.C. (Lavender Youth Recreation and Information Center) at 800-246-PRIDE  (7743) is a great way to talk to someone about sexual identity concerns like coming out. They are a great resource for youth. I hope this helps. Good luck!


My daughter is in a Lesbian relationship. Every since she moved in with her girlfriend (At age 20) she rarely sees her family and friends (she is almost 22 now). She has to ask if she can come over or go anywhere with us and the answer is usually no. She was supposed to go back to school, but has not. She doesn’t answer our calls or respond to us via text. When we try to give her food to take home, her partner says she doesn’t need it or tells her she has eaten enough. She has lost a lot of weight too. I’m afraid she is being controlled by her partner. Should I confront her? What should I say? Prior to this relationship, she was always happy and did a lot of things with friends. I don’t want her to think that we are only concerned because she is a lesbian. We would be concerned if this was a guy and she was doing the same thing. It sounds like you are really concerned for your daughter. It may be helpful to let her know that you are noticing these changes. It can be helpful to approach the subject with care as she may be experiencing emotions about you bringing up the subject. Isolation and control are big components of unhealthy relationships. If she is being isolated from family or friends it will be beneficial to remind her that you are there to help her and support her. If you would like support on how this is impacting you and need a listening ear on the other end of the phone you are welcome to give us a call on our Support and Information Line at (916) 920-2952. You are also welcome to give your daughter our number so that she knows there is a safe place to call should she wish to do so. 
Me and my kids are being abused by my partner. I am scared to leave them home with her and scared to be home myself. I can’t afford the home we are in by myself and my kids are doing the best they ever have in the schools i have them in. I need help I dont know what to to do, where to go, we cry every day and I keep telling them its going to get better and be ok. but its not its getting worse and worse everyday. I truly am despreat for help please can anyone help me. we live in elk grove my kids are 12 and 14. please help us. As in all domestic violence situations, safety must be a priority.  You may call our 24 hour Support and Information Line at (916) 920-2952 where you will be able to talk to an advocate to help you formulate a safety plan for you and your children.  An advocate will be able to discuss what options are available to you and how to best implement them to meet your needs.  It sounds like you are being very supportive to your children but it is also important for you to get emotional support for yourself as well.  You may also contact your children’s school counselor’s to discuss what services are available to them at school.
I am a lesbian who had started getting raped a year ago today. It was on going for a few weeks until I was able to get away. I ended up getting pregnant and having a son. My girlfriend has been very understanding through this entire process but my attacker found out I was pregnant and before my son was even born he had gone to the court saying he wanted sole custody and was trying to get me served. I never reported it, after the initial shock because of who this person was to me, I also didn’t want my son to ever find out how he was conceived so I never reported it. My son is almost 3 months now and there have been 2 hearings in this custody battle, I was wondering if, in the state of Arizona, I could still report it and if that could make a difference? I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Unfortunately, I do not know the laws in Arizona and would not be able to provide you with legal advice. It must be difficult trying to tend to the physical and emotional needs of your infant while also trying to move on and heal from the assault when you have to deal with your rapist in court. It may be helpful to call the police department in the town where the crime occurred and see what the statute of limitations is concerning rape in AZ. If you would like to speak with a counselor regarding your experience and get some emotional support you are welcome to call our 24 hour Support and Information Line at (916)920-2952.
I am (or thought I was) a definite zero in the Kinsey scale. My zero is being drastically challenged by someone I just met and barely know. I have a “real” life with a family and its responsibilities. I would like to address this feeling as a “crush”, but it is severely affecting the way I deal with this person in particular. I am usually very rational and in control of my emotions, but this one has shaken me to the core. I am terrified about the idea of not being able to control my reactions when in her presence. Unfortunately, this is no random person but someone I have to report to at work. She is extremely kind and professional. Last time we met I could actually hear my heart pounding through my chest, I was tongue-tied and not making much sense with my comments on the discussion at hand. I guess I experienced a mini-anxiety attack. I just could not catch my breath and my face was on fire. She was gracious enough to leave the room briefly and later on to offer me a drink. She seems to be very perceptive and aware of the struggle I am in. To say that I am beyond mortified is an understatement. I just don’t know how to handle whatever-this-is and I am supposed to do so! I need to make this work. This is no joke. I need my job and I am passionate about it, but I just freeze at the idea of having to wrestle with this primal attraction towards her. I am almost certain she is gay (and probably in a stable relationship – just like me, how ironic) I do not know her at all. I just met her twice within a professional environment. She seems to be a wonderful person but I highly doubt she is attracted to me. But that’s not the real issue here. ..the challenge at hand is that I just want to do my job without looking like a fool and/or dying of anxiety in the process. So, I need to look and act in a professional manner but most of all, I do not want her to feel uncomfortable in my presence or give her any hints of my nonsensical crush (I guess it might be a bit late for that). I want to be the confident, relax and happy person I used to be at work, not the stiff, anxious, and edited version of myself. So, how can I behave professionally towards her while I figure “this” out? HELP! I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time processing how you are feeling and managing your response to this person. I think it can be very normal to be attracted to and or have a crush on another person.  It’s great that you are aware and present to the fact that the 2 of you are in existing committed relationships. It may be a good idea to work with a counselor that can help you process what you’re going through and even create breathing exercises and or ways of working through this so that you can be less anxious around this person. WEAVE does offer general counseling and you can access that by coming to one of our triages. WEAVE’s Midtown Counseling Center (1900 K Street) offers triage on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. or Wednesdays between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. Triage is also available in the south area at the WEAVE Wellness Center (7600 Hospital Drive) on Mondays between 4 p.m and 7 p.m. 
How do I know if I’m bisexual? I don’t know if there is an answer I can give you for that. Sexual orientation is such a person journey for each individual. Here are a few resources that can help. L.Y.R.I.C (Lavender Youth Recreation and information Center) 800-246-4564. Also the Gender Health Center 916-455-2391.
From the summer going into 9th grade I truly started to question my sexuality. It wasn’t until December of my 10th grade year that I decided to come out to my best friend and my sister. The reason it really started in that summer is because I met my best friend. Before that I just thought my attraction to girls were just natural, but, sadly, I’m in love with her. It sucks. Our relationship had always been very jokingly “lesbian.” As in we joked around of being into each other, at least she was joking. Every time it got to that joking point I wanted to back out because I didn’t want her to know the truth that I was truly falling for her. When I decided to tell her last winter break, it was over Skype. Another plot-twist, she lives far away. So it’s not like i can do much about my feelings. Anyways, I know I love her and after I told her…I liked and said out “lesbian” jokes were just jokes. Since then it obviously hasn’t bee the same in that sense but she, along with my sister, are very supportive in helping me find out if I’m bisexual or just lesbian. I guess I should mention that she is also going through a very tough time in her life. She is depressed and her bulimia, even though it is being trreated, isn’t getting better. I miss her, and I was hoping to see if I’ll visit her over spring break. So…I guess my question is should I hold it in? It really is killing me not to tell her, she is my best friend and as far as I know straight. I know you get this a lot… “should I tell my straight best friend I love/have a crush on her?” But honestly I don’t think I can hold it in anymore. I don’t want to hurt her though, I know what she is going through and I went through depression myself, with suicidal thoughts not bulimia, during 7th & 8th grade. To tell you the truth she was the one that helped me through it just by being there. Anyways…I’m not asking for a straight answer if you feel you can’t give me one, just advice on my feelings, but most importantly what should I do to try to help her through this time?  First, thank you for being brave enough to share with us and ask for help. It sounds like you are struggling with your own identity as well as how you want to define your friendship. Relationships can be challenging even when we don’t have other factors influencing them. I’m hearing that, not only are you going through a lot, but your best friend is also which may be adding to the challenges. Being there for someone who is struggling can be difficult especially when you love them and want the best for them. Deciding whether you want to remain friends or share your feelings with her will be a difficult choice. That is not a choice you have to make alone, as there are many counselors and resources that can help you decide how to move forward. You are right that there is not a straight answer as the answer will depend on what you are comfortable with and what you feel is best for both of you. You mentioned having suicidal thoughts in the past and that your friend was there for you . It sounds like you have a very strong friendship. If you are in a place again where you have suicidal thoughts I want to encourage you to reach out for help and talk to someone, like you did by writing to us today. The National Suicide Hotline is a free, confidential and nonjudgmental support system that you can access anytime by calling 800.273.8255. California also has a youth crisis line that you can call anytime for support or if you have questions. They are also a confidential and nonjudgmental resource you can use anytime by calling 800.843.5200. Calling a counselor can also help you learn ways to support your friend through her struggles and decide if you are ready to share your feelings with her. Phone counselors may also be able to help you locate resources where she lives that she can access for further help. 
So, I’m practically in love with this girl who is lesbian (I’m bisexual…might be lesbian. idk) but this girl, also happens to be my BEST FRIEND. She knows I like her, and she SAID she likes me, too. But she also said she won’t date me because she doesn’t want to mess up our friendship. She also kind of brags about being a player and she doesn’t know why all these girls like her and blah blah blah blah blah blah. She also flirts with me, all the time. Am I being played? Does she really like me and just honestly is friend zone-ing me? How do I get her to date me? I just like her so much…..

Friendships can be difficult to balance even without adding a romantic element. A healthy relationship consists of trust, communication and mutual respect. If your friend does not want to be in a romantic relationship it is important to respect her decision. You may find it useful to have a conversation with your friend about the concerns you are having. You may also find it helpful to speak to a counselor about how you are feeling.  Counselors are available 24/7 on WEAVE’s Support and Information Line and can be reached by calling 916.920.2952


I have had a crush on a friend of mine for some time now. I don’t understand it because I’ve never had an infatuation with a man before. . . (edited for length and confidentiality) I don’t know where these feelings came from but it hurts to feel them. I would even just take a fling because that would be some kind of closure. Bottom line…….I’m scared to tell him because I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him. But just a friendship with him seems to be ruining me. Any advice, criticism, sympathy, or acknowledgement to this from an outside person would help.

It sounds as if you are struggling with a variety of very natural and normal emotions.  These are completely normal.  There is no way of knowing what your friend’s reaction would be if you shared your feelings and you must determine if the risk of sharing your feelings is worth potentially losing the relationship.  You may find it valuable to talk with a counselor about your feelings, the confusion you have expressed and possible impact of sharing your feelings with your friend.  WEAVE’s services extend beyond domestic violence and sexual assault and we offer Community Counseling services on a sliding fee scale – if you would like to arrange to meet with a Counselor, you can contact our Business Line at 916.448.2321 for more information.

How do you get into counseling for sexual abuse? How many times do you meet with a counselor?And what are the services offered?

The first step to accessing counseling services is to attend a walk-in triage session with a counselor.  WEAVE’s Midtown Counseling Center (1900 K Street) offers triage on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. or Wednesdays between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. Triage is also available in the south area at the WEAVE Wellness Center (7600 Hospital Drive) on Mondays between 4 p.m and 7 p.m.  Sexual assault survivors receive eight sessions of free counseling with additional sessions available via victim witness or private pay (sliding scale).
Yesterday, I received my first professional massage from a licensed male masseur at a local business. I am a gay male, and the masseur happened to also be a gay male. (Edited for length and content) The massage business sent me a survey this morning, and I gave them my honest opinion, and said that I felt sexually assaulted. It’s been on my mind all day, and I am feeling a lot of guilt, sadness, and don’t know what I should do now. I feel a strong urge to tell my Boyfriend, but I am afraid he will demand that I report the incident to the police, and I am not sure if I want to do that or not. One of my friends told me that I should file a police report, send a letter to the better business bureau, and hire an attorney. My head is spinning now, and all I really want to do is forget this ever happened. I feel angry about it, and unsure of whether this was indeed a sexual assault, or if I am partial to blame? I could really use some advice right now. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual activity and what happened to you is not your fault. Regardless of the conversation or your physical reactions, a professional massage therapist should never engage in sexual touching as part of a legitimate massage. You were in a situation where you were vulnerable and the massage therapist took advantage of this and violated professional responsibilities. His actions were wrong and his efforts to shift responsibility to you are unacceptable. The emotions you are feeling are normal. It is good that you have supportive friends you can talk with. WEAVE also has therapeutic counselors available to support you if you wish to talk with a therapist. You can call our Business Line at 916.448.2321 to schedule an intake appointment. If you find you need support sooner, our 24 hour Support & Information Line is always a resource – 916.920.2952. In regards to filing a police report, you clearly have mixed feelings about the matter which are understandable and choosing not to report does not make the assault any less real – WEAVE is here to support you regardless of your choice to report. You may also want to consider reporting his conduct to the state licensing board and to his employer. It is likely this individual has assaulted other clients or will in the future. Please remember you did not cause the assault and you are not to blame for what happened to you.
My partner has what I think are anger issues. She yells, cuts me down, and tells me I’m being disrespectful whenever I try to speak out against how she’s talking to me. She got physical with me one time by kicking me in the chest, but has not been physical since then. Last night, she got mad at me and poured water and beer on me and broke some of my belongings. I know this is not healthy, but not sure if it’s abuse. I told her that what she did was not acceptable no matter how mad she got and her response was, “well, I didn’t hit you!” She
thinks it’s OK to break my belongings since she, the breadwinnner, bought them.
WEAVE believes that domestic violence can occur in many forms: physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual. When a partner’s words or actions make us feel less-than, that is abusive behavior. In non-abusive relationships each person encourages, supports, and respects the other. Often we can recognize abusive behavior, but it is challenging to know what to do once we find ourselves in an abusive relationship. WEAVE’s counselors can provide support and resources for you at our 24-hour Support Line – 916.920.2952.

I have been in a physically abusive relationship in the past, and was lucky to escape as a survivor. I have done years of private therapy to help heal me emotionally. However, I find myself in a relationship now that I think may be an abusive one, though I am not sure. My current Partner is very loving and has very little anger, so I am unsure if her actions are
abuse or something else entirely. My Partner is very jealous and often simple actions like talking to a friend or telling a joke ellicits very verbally angry responses from my Partner. After a few minutes of her verbally berating me, she will see my saddness and stop, then changing her tune to that she was just kidding. My Partner is constantly acusing me of cheating to the point I don’t see my friends any more, unless she is there too. She says that I am free to see whomever I please and go wherever I want, but I know that there will be an emotional hell to pay if I do. She says she is just insecure and that she is working on it, but we have been together for four years and I have seen a shift for the worse rather than improvement. My dillema is determining if this is abuse of a different variety or if it is just her insecurities playing out in a normal way.

The healing process for survivors of domestic violence takes time, and the effects of abuse may last a lifetime. It was great that you reached out for counseling because of the experiences of your previous relationship. But even after counseling sometimes survivors later discover that they are in another abusive relationship. In non-abusive relationships when conflict arises it is resolved without the feeling of fear, and neither feel that there will be “emotional hell to pay” for wanting friendship outside the relationship. By talking with a counselor you can discover to what extent your past relationship is impacting your current relationship, and focus on what you want from your current relationship.  WEAVE’s 24 hour Support & Information Line can be a first step for you and provide you with support – 916.920.2952.  You can also learn more about WEAVE’s Counseling Services during the call, if you wish.
I am deciding to leave my partner she is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. We have a 6 month old son. How can weave help me in getting out safely. I am not sure she will hurt me but I know she won’t let me leave. When a person decides to leave their abuser there are steps they can take to increase their safety and of their children. WEAVE’s Support Line can develop an individual “Safety Plan” that will assist you with the planning process, help you on the day you leave, and increase your safety once you are separated. WEAVE’s counselors are available to assist you in the planning process 24-hours a day at 916.920.2952.
I think im straight, but lately i have had an attraction to other guys…. not mental attraction just physical. So i Like girls mentally and physically and i like guys just physically and i watch both kinds of porn so am i still straight? Our sexuality is very complex. For some, an attraction to a specific gender is all they ever know while others may experience an attraction to both genders. This can be confusing and finding a supportive resource to ask these questions can be difficult. WEAVE is here to support victims of domestic violence and sexual assault and recognizes that violence does not discriminate. Our services are available to any victim regardless of sexual identity. Your question does not indicate you are experiencing abuse – if you are experiencing abuse, please call our 24 hour Support Line for information about services for victims – 916.920.2952. For resources regarding questions about your sexual identity, the Sacramento region is supported by The Center whose great staff can offer support and help begin to answer questions. Go to or call 916.442.0185for more information about their services.
I am a gay woman. Last semester in college everyone around me was telling me I wasn’t gay and I just needed to be with a man. So unintentionally I got into an abusive relationship where I was sexually assaulted many times. At the beginning I would say it was ok, bat after a minute or so, I’d say no I don’t want this but it continued long after that. It’s now been 7 months and I’m with a woman who is supportive of me and knows what happened. I’m extremely happy with her, and even when I go to bed happy the nightmares still come. I’m scared of even the idea of meeting him by chance on the street again, it’s happened before and I broke down emotionally. How long will this irrational fear, and these stupid nightmares keep up? I just want this feeling to be gone. It sounds like you are currently in a supportive and loving relationship now, but you are still experiencing the effects of your previous abusive relationship. The feeling of fear, and the nightmares you are still experiencing are a natural reaction to being a survivor of violence. The timeline for the process healing varies for each individual, but one way to continue the process you have already started is to express your feelings. WEAVE offers many resources for survivors to continue the healing, and the counselors at WEAVE’s 24-hour Support Line can provide you some of the options available to you at 916-920-2952.
What are some safe, free lgbt chatrooms for preteens-teens? I need someone to talk to who will believe me and won’t tell me I need a therapist. I know there aren’t many but maybe you know one that’s good? WEAVE offers a variety of supportive services to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. We have also listed several helpful and supportive resources under the ‘Just for Teens’ sections of this website, which can be viewed here. If you feel that you are in an abusive environment, please call WEAVE’s Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952
I have a roomate that I think is an abusive relationship. My roomate is constantly saying that she has and anger problem but when I see them fighting her partner is the one doing the hitting. But when my roomate does hit back or holds her to get her to stop hitting her the partner always says that my roomate is the abuser…Ive talked to my roomate about what the fight was about and most of the time she says she dosnt know why her partner got mad at her… I also was in a relationship with my roomate before she got to geather with her current girl friend and she never raised a hand to me. we been to gether for 10 years…I want to give my roomate help because it seems to be getting worse. have you heard of that kind of abuse where the other person says they are being abused when they are the one that is controling and abuseing the other?? Every relationship is different, but physical violence is never acceptable. Often times, an abuser will make their partner feel guilty or that the violence is their fault. It is possible that your roommate’s partner is turning the situation around. It might be helpful for you and/or your roommate to talk with a trained advocate on our Support and Information Line to learn more. You can call any time – day or night – the number is 916.920.2952.
Do you have statistics as to how many gay men are victims of partner abuse?
Whether a couple is same-sex or opposite-sex, many dynamics of abuse are the same. Please see the LGBTQ section of the website for more information. If you feel that you are in an abusive enviornment, please call WEAVE’s Support and Information Line at 916.920.2952
my partner is mentally abusvive to me I’m a lesbian and she puts me down all the time You deserve to be in a loving, health relationship. Someone who loves you should not bring you down emotionally and/or mentally. WEAVE counseling services may be an option for you. You may call WEAVE’s 24 hour Support and Information line at 916.920.2952 for emotional support and information about WEAVE services.
Are trans women welcome at the safehouse? Interpersonal violence and sexual assault affect everyone and is never acceptable. WEAVE is an inclusive organization which works with each survivor to meet their specific needs. Qualifications for and the type of safe shelter provided – either through the Safehouse, motel, or referrals to other service providers – is determined based on the current situation and needs of each survivor. Transgender survivors of interpersonal violence will be provided with the most appropriate services for their situation. WEAVE never discriminates based on ethnicity, gender, sexual identity or orientation, religion, disability or other factors but does determine the best course of services based on the needs of the individual and the needs of others residing in the Safehouse’s communal structure. If you are experiencing violence or abuse in your relationship please call WEAVE’s 24 hour Crisis Line at 916.920.2952 for support and assistance. WEAVE also offers individual and group counseling services. You can learn more about your options and WEAVE services by calling the 24 hour Crisis Line.
What about the LGBT community, are they affected by domestic violence also and why is there not a lot of info about them? Whether a couple is same-sex or opposite-sex, many dynamics of abuse are the same. An abusive relationship is fueled by the desire of the abuser to have control over his or her partner. At the same time, we recognize there are unique barriers to LGBT survivors . Our mission is to provide counseling, legal help , and additional services to all people affected by domestic violence and sexual assault in a culturally competent and sensitive manner.