The Short Version I grew up in a really nice family ; lots of opportunities, lots of love. I just veered away for some reason; all the other kids turned out fine. I guess sometimes I wonder if I wandered to look for trouble, because I found it.
At a young age I lost my neighbor to suicide, someone I had played with as a child, he was an adult figure. I ended up losing two boyfriends to death at young ages; one was my childhood sweetheart right out of college and one later in my life, when I was in my thirties.
Now molestation: At the age of thirteen, I was molested/raped several times by a man the age of forty. Nice. Then at seventeen, two teachers, which I had looked up to, decided they would have their turn at me too. At the time I guess I kind of looked at it as exciting. I didn’t realize the later effects, or even the after effects for that matter, until later. Also at seventeen was the time I met my early adulthood abuser/pastor. That lasted about eight years. He had seven kids and one wife that he was divorcing, and a woman, whom he had had four kids with, that he never supported. The kids suffered just as much as I had, but in different ways.
He was a stalker, only I didn’t find this out until it was too late. I was coming to my own, thinking I just met the guy, yeah he seemed neat, but he was married. He disappeared for a couple of weeks. I started dating someone else, and upon leaving his house, lights kept flashing at me. That was his signal. I stopped and that’s when it was clear he had been watching me, not just that night. He said he was testing me.
Well, being as I had failed to pass the test, he made sure I understood the consequences. This is when the beatings and rapes and verbal abuses started. He insisted I be playful in bed, but after he got what he came for, he me feel like a slut. The thing that gets me the most is that after all these years, the feelings of constantly being watched can come over me and it still to this day makes me very sick. My experience with the pastor, haunts me as well as makes my ability to want to cause harm to someone else so hard, and I mean in the defensive manner you need to sometimes. Just defending myself is hard and anger over anything is just so hurtful for me. Anyway, after eight years of living with that, I managed to finally break down and find some solace , I think. If I went to the police to report him he would be out in forty-eight hours or less.
He used flour on my door steps, to track the comings and goings, and tape recorded all my phone calls periodically. Followed me, watching through windows periodically.
I did find love a couple of times, one very deep. I don’t have it today, but try and look at it with the old saying better to have than not. Tried to show that I did love him and I think I showed him that I didn’t, still never figured that one out. Anyway, for now, that’s my story. I only hope that life improves more. Part of me has delt with most, it has been years, but I wonder because I never legally did anything to them to stop them, maybe It still haunts me. I will tell more of my later years, and yes, there is no doubt that I am a survior, and I have seeken therapy, but sometimes, what might seem as normal things to some people may affect me in other ways. Part of me know, is kinda trying to figure out why at this point. That is why I came here.
